Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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