My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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