so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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