fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
