What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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