Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
