New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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