Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
