I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
