Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I need to calm my uterus...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
