Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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