I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
