Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
