you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
