Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
