I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
