I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
