dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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