I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
