From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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