I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
