My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize