there was a trapeze. enough said
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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