If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
