so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
