kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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