In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
