You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
