Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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