Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
