He kissed a someone with a penis
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
