when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
