First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
