I'd wear matching sweaters with you
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
