My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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