My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
