I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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