If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
