I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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