The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
