just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
