So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
