he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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