I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
