just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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