I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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