Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
