Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
