Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
