I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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