But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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