when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
