You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
