If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
