just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You need Xanax blowdarts
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize