So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
