the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
