Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize