had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
